The Truth about Goats
With hundreds of thousands of naked images being hacked and leaked via forums on ‘4chan’, law enforcement agencies have concluded that 99% of all photos are now of the ‘naked variety’. In fact most mobile users now find it more convenient to sign off text messages with an obligatory ‘dick pic’ or ‘nip shot’ than take the trouble to leave a few kisses, smiley icon or their contact details at the House of Commons.
Self-styled ‘auto-deleting’ message services, like Snapchat, now appear to have longer memories than an Elephant whose wedding anniversary you forgot. This has meant that many images unintended for public consumption are now common place; with one ‘Snappening’ victim complaining: ‘I like to say cheese while covered in cheese…just cheese…and a sprig of parsley, to add that bit of mystery. And I didn’t take 20gb of naked selfies just to have them spammed around the internet. I took 20gb of erotic images to share with my nearest and dearest…or to leak the next time I have a movie or book to promote’.
The last genuinely clothed self-image was taken accidently by Mr. J. Whelby five years ago, as he accidently fumbled with a new camera he had purchased. Mr. Whelby claimed he had ‘every intention’ of stripping off and covering himself in jelly ‘like most self-respecting adults’; but mistook the shutter button for the on switch.
One Art Historian explained: ‘Passport photos have long been naked; but as they are from the neck up, no one noticed. Now, however, family albums are stuffed with a plethora of exposed body parts. You can’t look anywhere without spotting Grandad’s giblets; dangling for all to see. Let’s face it, awkward family Christmas photos have become a tad more awkward’.