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Sex originated in Scotland and will probably end there


An international team of researchers have concluded that copulation, as we know it, will soon come to a shameful end: ‘…sometime on a Friday night, up against a wheelie bin in Dumfries’. Having already identified a Scottish prehistoric fish as the first creature to use sexual intercourse, experts at Flinders University, Australia, are convinced that humans will soon be too mortified to continue reproducing in such a vulgar fashion.

The fossilized imprint of Scottish buttocks against a pub wall

The fossilized imprint of Scottish buttocks against a pub wall

South of the border, the English have already replaced intercourse in favour of SKY Sports; choosing only to drunkenly breed once a year, at the culmination of the football season. One biologist explained: ‘Four hundred million years ago, the Microbrachius dicki fish had little option but to fertilize in this crude fashion. Contemporary Scots need to evolve. If that means deep frying their sperm, molesting salmon as they swim upstream or rubbing pollen on their kilts – then so be it’.

So grotesque are modern mating habits, that most participants have taken to posting naked photos of themselves on the internet rather than having to meet their partners in the flesh. One anonymous Scot admitted: ‘It’s a great source of national embarrassment. While the rest of the UK has given up on sex, we seem obsessed with keeping the ginger gene in circulation. No one likes doing it, but it’s the only way to keep warm during the winter months’.

Researchers are convinced that multiple lewd couplings during ‘fresher’s week’, at St. Andrews University, will have generated a critical mass of self-disgust. A Flinders spokesman said: ‘We anticipate that the stigma people now feel, will force us once and for all to abandon this unsanitary activity.  Even Scotland’s Independence vote ‘In/Out’ was a veiled reference to their awkward predilection for primitive nookie. If I had an 8cm Micro Dicki I’d be too ashamed to use it’.

by @wrenfoe

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2 comments on “Sex originated in Scotland and will probably end there

  1. thealternativepage
    October 31, 2014

    I’ve been to the Dumfries and I think there’s no better place for the last shag to take place.

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This entry was posted on October 31, 2014 by in UK Science and tagged , , , .

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