The Truth about Goats
Nigeria’s infamous militant chaperon service has caused an international outcry by ignoring all matchmaking etiquette. Those notorious singletons, Boko Haram, have been attacking villages, abducting the female populace and refusing to participate in three to eight minutes of awkward small talk.
Randomly attacking speed dating venues, has enabled Boko Haram to avoid the ‘faff’ of tracking down desirable women on the internet. A spokesman said: ‘In many respects its ideal for us. It’s time-efficient, there’s no need for introductions and we can get right down to the business of dumping the lady in a sack. Nothing says fun loving guy like a fundamentalist hatred of western civilization’.
However, many women have been left unimpressed by their cheeky antics. One woman spoke of her frustration: ‘What’s with sticking me in a sack? Don’t get me wrong, I like a man to be decisive but eye contact is so hard when your head is in a bag. I didn’t even get to ask him about his hobbies’.
The UN has reported that the Islamists completely ignored the rota system, the name badges and failed to leave any contact details for the security forces. Following the recent ceasefire announcement, the Nigerian government had hoped that Boko Harem would agree to release their school girl captives and ‘…start to show an interest in someone more their own age’. However the terrorist dating cell has responded with further incidents of kidnapping; forcing Twitter users to adopt the phrase ‘Hashtag GetYourOwnWomen’.