The Truth about Goats
With regret Home Secretary Theresa May has conceded that she has run out of ‘dodgy’ candidates to appoint to chair the Inquiry into Historic Child Abuse. Having lost Baroness Butler-Sloss and now Lord Mayor Fiona Woolf to conflicts of interest, Mrs May has been forced to ask betting syndicates, investment bankers and FIFA on how best ‘to rig’ an inquiry. Fortunately having managed delayed the proceedings for a further three months, it is hoped that those accused will have had ‘…plenty of time to shred any incriminating documents’.
Some have said the board should be accurately called the ‘Inquiry into how rich and powerful people get away with stuff that ordinary folk go to prison for’. What is curious is that Mrs Woolf as an ex-President of the Law Society and Baroness Butler-Sloss as the first female Lord Justice of Appeal, had never heard of the phrase ‘judicial disqualification’. For some reason sharing regular dinners or even the same womb with a defendant, is not seen as grounds for recusal – provided you went to the right private school.
A Home Office spokesman said: ‘Frustratingly when trying to facilitate further cover ups, it would be helpful if the public would stop looking at the Wiki biographies of members of the Inquiry. Yes we know they all have disabling conflicts of interest but can we just pretend they haven’t? Yes, it’s like asking Jonathan Aitken to head an inquiry into perverting the course of justice – but it’s not like we actually want to find out the truth’.
Fans of gender equality will be pleased to know that establishment women are equally as conflicted as establishment men when it comes to investigating themselves. Those waiting for justice have been asked to wait a little longer, or at least until someone can arrange for a ‘mysterious’ house fire to silence them. Not forgetting, of course, Savile’s own Law of Judicial Proceedings: ‘Evidence is like a good wine – it just gets better with age…and there is a good chance it will just gather dust in the cellars of the rich and powerful never to see the light of day’.