The Truth about Goats
Much to the surprise and delight of the Labour faithful, their leader announced sweeping gains in the US Senate. Despite being separated by a political ideology and 3000 miles of Atlantic Ocean, Ed Miliband was able to take the credit for the Republican Party’s recent success and for becoming the first British female solo artist to have five number one singles in the UK.
With an equal sense of euphoria and denial, Mr. Miliband told a packed room of supporters that the he was a ‘winner’; referencing his Champions League medal and the hat-trick he scored against Atlético Madrid in May. Promising a rout of the Conservatives in the next General Election, Mr. Miliband wowed party activists with a photo montage of him curing Ebola, battling IS and sorting out Man Utd’s defensive problems.
Previous Labour Leaders Blair and Kinnock have all offered their support to the beleaguered Mr. Miliband; including a flak jacket, advice on early retirement and the phone number of a really good psychoanalyst. To his doubters a spokesman for Mr. Miliband said: ‘Stare into his eyes. Not the one on the left. It’s slightly crossed. Yes, that’s it. You are feeling sleepy. And nauseous. But mainly sleepy. Ed is the man. Repeat after me. Ed is the man. No! Not Ed IS a man. Ed is THE man!’
As yet the US press has been strangely reticent in reporting Mr. Miliband’s Midterm triumph. One reporter commented: ‘Arkansas, Colorado, Iowa…I don’t remember a Mr. Miliband on the campaign trail. Socially awkward, you say? Looks kinda weird? Are you sure you don’t mean Mitch Mcconnell?’ Meanwhile voters were reassured that the only things standing in the way of future Labour victory – were hubris, electoral maths and Mr. Miliband’s pulse.