The Truth about Goats
For members of the public more accustomed to playing the kazoo and holidays in Blackpool, the social angst of losing violin and skiing privileges may seem somewhat niche. Yet international musician, child prodigy and arch-manipulator of snow related stats, Vanessa-Mae, has been banned from Olympic sports for four years. To put it in working-class terminology, Vanessa-Mae can no longer play on the dodgems, go on donkey rides or do the Macarena drunk.
Other ‘posh’ sounding news items that have recently caught the public’s attention include; ‘Boris Johnson covers West London in velvet’ ‘Queen wears gilet to Memorial service’ and ‘Jeremy Irons impregnates beagle’. However it is this latest revelation that skiing is something you can get banned from, which has left people nonplussed – or ‘confused’ in normal parlance.
A spokesman for the International Ski Federation (FIS) explained: ‘Not everyone is going to understand the stigma of her actions. Manipulating qualification for the Sochi Winter Olympics, is like cheating in a pub quiz. It’s like stealing a pedalo or coming back from Benidorm with fake tan. It’s not the done thing. Wealthy people, we take this seriously. It’s like using the wrong soup spoon, while wearing ski goggles.’
For those who thought Jack Whitehall saying ‘willy’ was as posh as it got, Vanessa-Mae has taken things to a whole new level. One bemused pleb said: ‘It’s as if someone called Tarquin wearing an over-the-shoulder jumper, upturned collar and slip-on shoes; had just murdered a swan…with a sceptre’. Although as yet Vanessa-Mae has not confirmed if she will be participating in this year’s Swan Sceptre Bashing Regatta.