The Truth about Goats
Disappointingly only a small percentage of processed pork meat products in England and Wales cause an acute infection. With a mere 10% potentially infected with a virus that uses the charmingly named ‘fecal–oral route’, most consumers expressed alarm that the other 90% of ill-tasting ground meat was actually healthy. In fact, rather than containing a virus, most of the British public assumed ‘Hepatitis E’ (HEV) was the name of a racehorse.
Such is the dubious content of the nation’s favourite intestine-filled snack, that nobody would have been surprised if the ingredients were sawdust, the John Lewis penguin and the shredded remains of Lord Lucan. In reality most sausages contain cheap starch filler, like an ITV schedule.
Sausages should be cooked for 20 minutes to kill the virus, but the Department of Health has warned that it will take a lot longer to kill off the lingering doubt that you may have eaten part of a donkey. 1 in 10 sausages may be diseased, but 6 out of 10 are designated as ‘meat: other’; while 3 in 10 have 97% DNA in common with the person eating it.
It should be noted that supping on an infected sausage will severely impair a person’s ability to work, or so complain Russell Brand’s jobless ex-girlfriends. Abattoirs show a big rise in confirmed cases of HEV, but coincidently a big rise in the disappearance of household pets. A doctor warned: ‘Symptoms include jaundice and nausea, but so does stumbling in on your parents having sex. So, basically avoid any sort of pig in a blanket’.