The Truth about Goats
The world’s favourite office tradition has been revealed to have a darker side. Police investigating the movement of illicit drug and arms deals, have discovered that the majority of funds passes through the hands of Christmas revellers intent on giving cut price gifts. HM Revenues and Customs have confirmed that Gary Barlow has written off tens of thousands of pounds ‘…in novelty elves’, ISIS is funded by ‘cans of fake snow’ and one particularly protracted Secret Santa session led to the collapse of The Royal Bank of Scotland in 2007.
Every December anonymous figures collect unmarked five and ten pond notes, only to turn these undisclosed sums into cheap and inappropriate office gifts. During these transactions millions are syphoned off to pay for a network of illegal activities, Republican election campaigns and ‘…quick trips to the pub during lunch-break’.
Many unsuspecting office workers are lured in with the promise of lavish presents, only to find themselves on the receiving end of a Katie Price discount book. Even the George Osborne’s own welfare report, to UK tax payers, suggests that 26% of the economy is tied up in Secret Santa slush funds. Britain has now been hit with a £1.7bn EU bill, for failing disclose the extent of the Christmas-based black market.
One co-worker complained: ‘I paid £10 into a syndicate and all I got back was knitted willy warmer. It’s not the loss of money I begrudge. Or even the inappropriateness. It’s the failure to get it in my size. It’s so impersonal, it’s like they don’t even know me’. Police have asked the public to report any suspicious gift transaction this December; particularly Google trying offset their tax liability with 300,000 reindeer themed hats.