The Truth about Goats
Alongside Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and good dental hygiene the British people have long been hidden from the truth that the US put a man on the moon in 1969. Such is their level of denial that a UK consortium plans to land a robotic probe on the moon by 2025; making them more out of date than VCRs, travel agents or saying ‘toats’ to a teenage girl.
The elaborate media blackout that the rest of the world has implemented to keep the UK hermetically sealed for the last 45 years has been a challenge to maintain. One UN representative admitted: ‘As Beatle-mania started to wane, we realised that the sensitive British ego could not handle the truth of their economic decline. It was around 1967 that we decided it was in everyone’s interest to keep the UK ignorant of world advances. To this very day they have never heard of iPhones, the Human Genome Project or Two Girls One Cup’.
Sadly British scientists still think landing a robot on the moon is a big deal, despite North Korea having established a thriving moon colony in 1994. Quite how the British will react to the revelation that they are no longer ‘number one’ is hard to predict. One psychologist speculated: ‘Who knows? They might adapt but equally so they might ignore the whole thing. Just like they did when the Isle of Wight was submerged due to global warning or when the Royal Family were replaced for two weeks with the cast of TOWIE’.
Hoping to raise £500m from public donations, Lunar Mission One will be the first of many new British triumphs; such as the invention of the slipper sock, the doughnut burger and the discovery of Australia. A spokesman for Astronomer Royal Lord Rees said: ‘Britain plans to be the first on the moon. And we reject the suggestion that facts have been hidden from us. The moon is made of cheese. There are monsters living under the bed. And Nanny says, if I swallow apple seeds a tree will grow out of my ear.’