The Truth about Goats
With a partially clothed Winnie-the-Pooh being banned in Poland and Paddington Bear’s new film containing ‘mild sex references’; the nation has been forced to ask – Can we bar the bears that bare while bearing the bears that don’t? While Sooty always showed some ‘exposed wrist’, are we now ready for the sight of ursidae nudity; or to put it another way – at a teddy bear’s picnic should we be picky about no nicks making our teddy bare?
Local councillors in Tuszyn have removed Winnie from playgrounds due to his ‘dubious sexuality’, although they seemed to have no issue with him being named after doo doo. A spokeswoman for the Society for the Ethical Treatment of Bears by Bears admitted: ‘This is not the first time these furry mammals have caused controversy. Who can forget the accusations against Gentle Ben during the 70s. To many other bears he was known as, less Gentle, more Gropey. Many assumed he was Dave Lee Travis – with slightly less hair.’
Quite how bad Paddington’s film debut is, is still unclear but the British Board of Film Classification (BBFC) warned against something that would ‘-give A Clockwork Orange a run for its money’. Movie executives have dismissed claims that there is a deleted scene, where Paddington smears his genitals with marmalade, shouting at Mr. Gruber to: ‘- taste my mixed peel, you grumpy bastard!’ However they refused to confirm or deny that ‘Darkest Peru’ had been used as a euphemism.
The BBFC went onto explain that mild innuendo was one thing, but graphic bare bearness was totally uncalled for. The spokesman said: ‘The moment Baloo flashed Mowgli, bears have been on a downward spiral. Rupert Bear had his legs tattooed yellow check, so he could expose himself without anyone knowing. And as for Yogi Bear and Boo Boo – one hat and two ties between them, the rest is all naked. And you really don’t want to know what Bears do in the woods!’