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The Truth about Goats

Festive Jumpers: Are they the new black?‏

What’s snuggly, fun and covered in Santas? Of course, the answer is Stripper Elves; but to some it is festive jumpers. Up and down the country, designers ask the same question – is Christmas themed knitwear what’s hot? To which the answer is no. Simply, no. No, no, noety no. No. For the love of God, no! Yet Britain’s retailers interpret this as a resounding ‘maybe’; with every garment now coming with an obligatory chestnut being spit-roasted by an open fire.

Imagine Joseph in an amusing jumper

Imagine Joseph in an amusing jumper

With the festive period now starting sometime back in late June, some sweaty individuals have been sporting mince pies made of wool for several months. While the hilarious impact of these comedy jumpers may be wearing thin, the reeky body odour emanating from the unwashed garment is going from strength to strength.

Historically the wearing of themed Christmas wear dates back to the Middle Ages, when villagers insisted that the local idiot wrapped up warm during the Winter months. This great tradition of using colourful knitwear to denote mental illness, has survived the test time; and is additional indicator of someone who will be ‘ -a bit gropey at the Xmas Party’.

This type of warning coloration (aposematism) is often seen in the wild with wasps, snakes or UKIP rosettes. The garish jumper is nature’s way of telling us to avoid social contact with this person. One zoologist explained: ‘The sight of a Christmas Jumper is similar to seeing a marmoset covered in tinsel and grenades. Your initial instinct is to cuddle it. But that’s soon replaced, by a primal fear that this little repressed monkey is going to go postal unless someone compliments him on his reindeer themed woolly’.

by @Wrenfoe


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This entry was posted on December 9, 2014 by in UK Local News and tagged , , , , .

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