The Truth about Goats
At 1.36 Eastern Standard Time the United States of America officially declared that they had run out of ammo. The ensuing chaos has seen riots and looting in twelve major cities, as a bewildered populace struggle to come to terms with the loss of their favourite past time – shooting classmates, Beatles and ‘- anyone who isn’t an albino’.
The spread of violence was sparked when police in Ferguson, Missouri, squandered their last bullet shooting an unarmed teenager, Michael Brown. An eyewitness said: ‘It was horrific. Without provocation the police just opened fire. What a waste of life and bullets. Those shots could easily have be saved for a civil rights protestor, an Arab or any friend of Phil Spector.’
Quite what US citizens are expected to do with the spare time that no shooting will allow them is unclear; hobbies such as Philately may lack the same adrenaline rush. An NRA spokesmen said: ‘The average American spends five hours a day shooting. Two hours a day dodging bullets. Nine hours working to earn enough money to buy bullets. Seven hours dreaming about them. And that only leaves one hour to masturbate over them. It’s a hectic schedule.’
One of the by-products of this loss of ammunition, is that the US now has 250 million useless firearms. One suggestion is that these redundant weapons are melted down to form 300ft statue of Charlton Heston blowing the head off of Osama Bin Laden. One concerned citizen said: ‘What am I supposed to do when I see an African American walking down the road? If I can’t fire six warning shots into his head and arm – how else is he going to know that he’s making everyone uneasy?’