The Truth about Goats
Despite years of promising to cut back on excessive water-boarding binges, the US is reluctant to add ‘torture’ to their list of ‘do nots’ for 2015. Like most people in January, the CIA’s counterterrorism unit was expected to give up on auditory abuse, sleep deprivation and chocolate. Yet current US resolutions do include; not employing Piers Morgan, not supporting affordable health care and not shooting black teenagers. Although the last point is more of a ‘guideline’.
The UK has also become embroiled in supporting US foreign policy and has refused to detox with boiled cabbage. Ironically the British government had made previous assurances that they would not get dragged into any more illicit activities: ‘…this will absolutely be the last one. We 100% guarantee. Cross-my heart and hope to…well, not me personally. If anyone’s going to die, it’ll be some fella in an orange onesie’. Complained one Guantanamo Bay inmate: ‘It’s so difficult to give up on rectal feeding. It’s just so moreish.’
The furore has not dampened the CIA’s appetite for illegal detainment, organ failure and even death. A spokesman said: ‘Torture is such an emotive term and can easily be taken out of context. We prefer the phrase – doing the f@@k what we like. We’re not sexually abusing this prisoner, we are doing the f@@k what we like. You see? It’s a much more enabling statement. More positive. Like Nike’s Go For It’.
While a US Senate committee has condemned CIA torture as ‘brutal’, it did concede that was easier to quit smoking: ‘Yes, we used to put Nazis on trial for this sort of thing. Yes, it’s prohibited by international law. But that was before we realised how addictive it really was. Human rights are like saying you’re going to the gym. Everyone makes these big promises in the New Year, but it’ll be some other sucka who ends up in a stress position’.