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Torture not on US New Year Resolution List


Despite years of promising to cut back on excessive water-boarding binges, the US is reluctant to add ‘torture’ to their list of ‘do nots’ for 2015. Like most people in January, the CIA’s counterterrorism unit was expected to give up on auditory abuse, sleep deprivation and chocolate. Yet current US resolutions do include; not employing Piers Morgan, not supporting affordable health care and not shooting black teenagers. Although the last point is more of a ‘guideline’.

2014...a good year for torture and selfies

2014…a good year for torture and selfies

The UK has also become embroiled in supporting US foreign policy and has refused to detox with boiled cabbage. Ironically the British government had made previous assurances that they would not get dragged into any more illicit activities: ‘…this will absolutely be the last one. We 100% guarantee. Cross-my heart and hope to…well, not me personally. If anyone’s going to die, it’ll be some fella in an orange onesie’. Complained one Guantanamo Bay inmate: ‘It’s so difficult to give up on rectal feeding. It’s just so moreish.’

The furore has not dampened the CIA’s appetite for illegal detainment, organ failure and even death. A spokesman said: ‘Torture is such an emotive term and can easily be taken out of context. We prefer the phrase – doing the f@@k what we like. We’re not sexually abusing this prisoner, we are doing the f@@k what we like. You see? It’s a much more enabling statement. More positive. Like Nike’s Go For It’.

While a US Senate committee has condemned CIA torture as ‘brutal’, it did concede that was easier to quit smoking: ‘Yes, we used to put Nazis on trial for this sort of thing. Yes, it’s prohibited by international law. But that was before we realised how addictive it really was. Human rights are like saying you’re going to the gym. Everyone makes these big promises in the New Year, but it’ll be some other sucka who ends up in a stress position’.

by @Wrenfoe

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4 comments on “Torture not on US New Year Resolution List

  1. R Wood
    January 5, 2015

    Boiled cabbage? That’s far too wholesome! Gruel and castor oil is what’s required. “A spoonful of sugar”, only if the UK behaves itself. Bear in mind, also, that some ‘fashionistas’ may regard an “orange onesie” as the new High Street ‘must-have’. Cheaper than a Ben Sherman suite!

  2. Wrenfoe
    January 5, 2015

    😀

  3. graphicmatrix
    January 5, 2015

    While war mongering corporations control the US government nothing will change. Congress, senate, and presidential offices all bow to the corporate controllers of the American war machine. Here are just 10 corporations that are holding the American Foreign Policy hostage.
    United Technologies (UTX) — aircraft, electronics, engines
    Arm sales: $11.6 billion, total sales: $58.2 billion
    Gross profit: $5.3 billion,
    L-3 Communications (LLL) — electronics
    Arm sales: $12.5 billion, total sales: $15.2 billion
    Gross profit: $956 million,
    Finmeccanica — aircraft, artillery, engines, electronics, vehicles and missiles
    Arms sales, $14.6 billion, total sales: $24.1 billion
    Gross profit: $ -3.2 billion,

    EADS — aircraft, electronics, missiles and space
    Arm sales: $16.4 billion, total sales: $68.3 billion
    Gross profit: $1.4 billion, total workforce: 133,120

    Northrop Grumman (NOC) — aircraft, electronics, missiles, ships, space
    Arm sales: $21.4 billion, total sales: $26.4 billion
    Gross profit: $2.1 billion,
    Raytheon (RTN) — electronics, missiles
    Arm sales: $22.5 billion, total sales: $24.9 billion
    Gross profit: $1.9 billion,
    General Dynamics (GD) — artillery, electronics, vehicles, small arms, ships
    Arm sales: $23.8 billion, total sales: $32.7 billion
    Gross profit: $2.5 billion,
    BAE Systems — aircraft, artillery, electronics, vehicles, missiles, ships
    Arm sales: $29.2 billion, total sales: $30.7 billion
    Gross profit: $2.3 billion,
    Boeing (BA) — aircraft, electronics, missiles, space
    Arm sales: $31.8 billion, total sales: $68.7 billion
    Gross profit: $4 billion,

    Lockheed Martin (LMT) — aircraft, electronics, missiles, space
    Arm sales:$36.3 billion, total sales: $46.5 billion
    Gross profit: $2.7 billion,

  4. Wrenfoe
    January 5, 2015

    Strewth – you’re scaring me now!

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This entry was posted on January 5, 2015 by in International Crime and tagged , , , .

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