The Truth about Goats
In a state-sanctioned policy, North Korea has decided to undermine Western Civilisation by leaving ‘bitchy’ reviews for all media products. Having successfully forced Sony Pictures to delay the release of their movie ‘The Interview’, North Korean hackers are set to turn their sights on undermining all we hold dear; such as the ‘Twilight’ franchise, the novels of Dan Brown and the musical genius that is Justin Bieber.
By trolling Amazon with ‘snarky’ customer reviews, Pyongyang officials have targeted bastions of directorial perspicacity like Michael Bay. With a series of grumpy comments, North Korea has unfairly reduced Bay’s ‘Transformers’ movies to: ‘A cacophonous blend of mind-numbing explosions, computer-generated nonsense and clumsy racial stereotypes’. Which completely misrepresents a series of films which are subtle Edwardian dramas, exploring the bitter/sweet nature of the human condition through a series of metal groans and thuds.
Of course, not every paltry ‘anonymous’ one star review can be blamed on North Korea, as James Corden’s agent will confirm. One sceptical internet security expert explained: ‘The lack of likes for your Facebook updates are not part of a global conspiracy, there is a genuine reason why no one reads your blog and Sony may have pulled that movie because it sucks’.
A spokesman for the CIA said: ‘We’ve conclusive proof that North Korea is besmirching otherwise flawless pieces of art. How else can you explain the negative critical reaction to Sony’s ‘Smurfs’. It cleared $700m worldwide; there’s no way it was a just miniaturized version of that piece of sh@t Avatar.’ To his own people the Supreme Leader is also known as the ‘One Star Fairy’, which is not a slight on his lack of military experience. In fact the majority of negative online comments about ‘One Direction’ albums can now be attributed to Kim Jong-Un, Taylor Swift and a 13yr old from Slough.