The Truth about Goats
In attempt to inject a sense of humility and suspense into proceedings, the 2015 Academy Award nominees will now be reeled off in a mildly sarcastic manner. The general public, having grown weary of ‘smug luvvies in posh frocks’, greeted the change with the same levels of apathy that we normally reserve for candle making, bongo playing or soup.
An Academy spokesperson explained: ‘Our sponsors have informed us that the TV audience has become inert in all but the part when Jennifer Lawrence falls flat on her face. For some reason a room full of self-congratulatory millionaires, does not resonate with people as it once did. If anything, polling suggests people would rather the giving awards was replaced with a gunge tank, an eye gouge and a sock of manure to kisser’.
Front runners for this year include an obligatory film with a wheelchair, something involving a sexually repressed Brit and world-wide narcolepsy. One listless movie viewer complained: ‘Meryl Streep has now reached nineteen Oscar nominations. Nineteen. And all with the same prosthetic nose. That can’t be hygienic.’
Oscar night itself is set to run for 168 hours straight, as host Neil Patrick Harris’ quips attempt to keep pace with a nearby glacier. The red carpet itself will be awash with spray on tan, surgical tape and envy. While lethargic viewers will ask; what’s the difference between Liza Minnelli and a Great White – one has dull lifeless eyes, no wrinkles and too many teeth, the other is a shark.