The Truth about Goats
Speaking to a room of packed journalists and morticians, the Grim Reaper outlined his strategic plan to reduce waiting lists with a scythe-based clog-popping initiative. Faced with unprecedented A&E queues and dwindling resources, Health officials welcomed this offer from the private sector and advised all adults over 30 not to make ‘any long term plans’.
The subsequent crack down, on ‘mortal coil dependency’ across the UK, will free NHS staff for valuable photo opportunities during the general election. One Tory minister commented: ‘We just need a return to Victorian principles, when commoners had the good grace to feed the worms rather than overstay their welcome’. In turn, Death has agreed to cull the weak and redundant by targeting anyone with ‘so much as a sniffle’.
Emergency calls will now be transferred to an overseas call centre, staffed by cloaked skeletal figures playing chess. A doctor explained: ‘The National Health Service has just been too successful in its mission statement. A healthy nation is simply unmanageable. We need a more realistic target and title – like the National We’d Rather You Stopped Washing Your Hands Service’.
Meanwhile some critics have suggested that years of underfunding is the underlying cause behind the current crisis, rather than the public’s stubborn refusal to die. A spokesman for Death offered the counter argument: ‘There’s a fine line between ill and dead. Financially we’d like people to err on the side of the later. Let’s be honest, there are a lot of biological clues that we were no meant to live past 40; such as hairy ears, impotence and having a CD collection. At some point we all have to pay the Reaper, particularly if we can’t fund the NHS’.