The Truth about Goats
In a bold statement of intent, Party Leader Nick Clegg set out his kid-free vision of the future. With a clear manifesto commitment, the Lib Dems expect to put an end to small people saying ‘I’m bored’, ‘it’s not fair’ and monopolizing all the jelly.
By 2025 the Lib Dems have promised to eradicate nose picking in public. A spokeswoman explained: ‘We are not going to euthanasia the grammatically challenged kiddie-winks, that would be cruel and time consuming. We are just going to reclassify them as stupid adults. And as such, they will be legally entitled to vote Lib Dem’.
Other ambitious election pledges have seen the Lib Dems also target a reduction in suicide rates by labelling them as murders; while the Conservatives have committed to full employment by giving everyone a paper round. Meanwhile Labour have also offered their version of ‘blue-sky’ thinking, by promising an end to ‘dandruff, onesies and carpet burns’.
Re-branding illiterate children as simply ‘diminutive idiots’, is an important step in tackling under-achievement in schools; with the next logical step – close all the schools. In turn the Lib Dems have answered critics who claim their pledges are unrealistic, by repositioning critics as ‘people we don’t have to listen to’.
The spokeswoman confirmed: ‘We’re going to break the literacy ceiling. Which means we’ll probably need the ceiling lowered. Or longer arms. We’re not just moving the goal posts. We’re sh@tting in the away team’s dressing room. Childhood literacy will be a thing of the past…as soon as we redefine what history is.’