The Truth about Goats
A recent study in the European Journal of Sports Sciences concludes the majority of students do not wash, yet the same students would happily start if the European Journal of Sports Sciences would stop ‘creeping them out’. The same teenagers admit that the main causes of self-consciousness in the shower were body self-image, duelling banjos or someone called Big Gonzo telling you to ‘pick up the soap’.
Quite why researchers from the University of Essex are hanging around school changing rooms with a clip board is a mystery, although many claim this study began in the 70s. This also follows on from similar research that proved that most teenagers refuse to pick their nose, fart or masturbate when watched by a sinister man in a lab coat.
The study has been welcomed in some circles, one aging PE teacher commented: ‘I used to watch the kids shower all the time. I’d even help them lather up their privates when they missed a bit. Unfortunately in the mid-80s a change in Head Mistress, the subsequent court case and someone setting fire to my car, stopped my fastidious ways. Now I feel I can get back in there with a sponge and do some good.’
Having asked thousands of students about their washing habits, researchers concluded that the greatest cause of anxiety was being asked questions about their washing habits. When asked why two out of three girls never took a shower after a PE lesson, one girl replied: ‘Stop looking at me! How did you get in here? Was it you that drilled that hole in the wall? Put down that camera!’