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Apple: $18bn profit but still ‘keeping it real’


Humble Apple executives released a statement confirming their commitment to a frugal lifestyle, regardless of owning ‘more spondoolies than Donald Trump can dream of’. Having now made the biggest profit in History, the US technology giant insisted that money will not change them and that they will continue to pick their own fruit, shop at charity stores and ‘rub batteries’ for an extra day of life.

The new iPhone

The new iPhone

Apple’s simple existence currently involves having their own vegetable garden and fastidiously collecting store loyalty points. One Apple employee, living the Spartan life, insisted: ‘Money means nothing to us. I will continue cut my own hair, pack my own lunch and drink my own urine. The urine thing doesn’t really save money. I’ve just always done it’.

Rumours that Apple staff are now paid in gold bullion have been quickly quashed, a company spokesman said: ‘We’re not going to forget our humble roots, growing up an impoverished gospel blues singer in Texas in 1897. Well, yes, technically that’s Blind Willie Johnson’s life story – but you get the gist. And we are still recycling carrier bags’.

Meanwhile the company refused to comment on the rumour that they had just purchased the Vatican for tax reasons. The spokesman explained: ‘You too can be rich like us. Just remember to turn the lights off at night, share baths and buy stocks in iPhone screen repair kits. Remember money doesn’t buy happiness – sorry, I misspoke. Scottish currency can’t buy happiness. It’s not really legal tender’.

by @Wrenfoe

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This entry was posted on February 4, 2015 by in International Business and tagged , , , , , .

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