The Truth about Goats
Cambridge University experts have not only attributed two obscure bronze sculptures to the renown Renaissance genius, but have identified the muscular figures as being based on the star of C4’s Embarrassing Bodies. Quite how Michelangelo was able to visualize Dr. Christian four hundred years ago is unclear; yet there can only be one man that ripped, with a PhD and a capacity to bench-press while commenting on your vulva.
Sitting astride a panther, the Michelangelo Jessen is the embodiment of ‘terribilità’ – a sense of awe-inspiring grandeur or ‘anabolic steroids’ as we call them today. Previously attributed to a Dutch sculptor, these two figures will go on show in the Fitzwilliam Museum, next to sculptures of an ingrowing toenail, nose polyps and an ‘outie’ belly button.
Interestingly this has opened a debate on whether the Sistine Chapel ceiling is merely a homage to various case studies from Embarrassing Bodies. One academic confirmed: ‘If you look carefully at the roof you can see that Noah has hairy moobs, Eve has strectch marks and God is trying to wipe some kind of genital fungus on Adam’s hand’.
The startlingly resemblance between a bronzed exhibitionist and these statues is uncanny. Both are naked, muscular and with an untameable beast between their thighs. Each have stomach muscles that resemble a hernia farm. Indeed, some art experts suggest that Dr. Jessen may have also been the subject of Michelangelo’s ‘David in tight jeans’.