The Truth about Goats
Speaking to a packed room of journalists, the Mayor of London has confirmed his intention to run as MP for Uxbridge and South Ruislip in his natural reptilian shape. Having also renounced his U.S. citizenship, Mr. Johnson hoped this new declaration would cement his commitment to Britain, his desire to avoid capital gains tax and his acknowledgement of his ‘dinosaur heritage’.
Mr. Johnson is not the first flesh-eating, shape-shifting extra-terrestrial to represent the Conservative Party, but he is the first not to defect to UKIP. As a member of the Illuminati, Mr. Johnson argued that he was well placed to promote a cold-blooded agenda and spelt out his intention to use the failed Thames Hub Airport as the ideal location to lay his eggs.
Footage has emerged from 1987 of Mr. Johnson and David Cameron, both Oxford undergraduates at the Bullingdon Club, dislocating their jaw bones and ‘downing’ a dozen live mice. A spokesman for conspiracy buff, David Icke, said: ‘Reptilian nature cannot be disguised with a fake, blonde wig and clown face’.
Up until now he has denied aspirations to become Prime Minister, partly because his slow metabolism would prevent him electioneering in the chilly north. Mr. Johnson admitted regret that he had misled the public by adopting a human shape, something his idol Margaret Thatcher ‘would never have done’. However a spokesman for the Mayor said: ‘Reptilian Mr. Johnson may have a smaller brain than your average mammal but that never stopped any politician before’.