The Truth about Goats
Like a coiled sloth, investigators have launched a search of HSBC’s Geneva subsidiary. With the urgency of a giant tortoise, Swiss prosecutors have noticed that there may be some ‘minor irregularities’ in their banks; including no locks on the doors, single digit pin numbers and a solid gold Toblerone ‘in the shape of Adolf Hitler’.
While the CIA have long described Switzerland as the hub of money laundering, the Swiss see themselves as a misunderstood – like Robert Maxwell. One financial expert commented: ‘We’ve had to put up with a lot of false criticism over the years. Don’t be put off by my fake moustache, monopoly money and this bag that says ‘swag’. Swiss banking is a beacon of ethical behaviour, which is why we are so happy to appoint Stephen Byers to our board of directors’.
Although the banking sector is still cloaked in secrecy, offshore entities and chocolate, it is hoped the HSBC scandal will lead to more arrests. One policeman said: ‘We may have the reaction speed of a nematode worm, but let me assure you, we have the bite of feisty Marmot. Oh yes, that large Swiss squirrel can put up a fight. Snarly teeth! Although, admittedly, it does bury itself away in a nest made from shredded bank statements in order to hibernate and avoid tax.’
Some regulators have suggested that this investigation is well overdue, given the Swiss predilection for helping Americans hide billions of dollars. However one elderly Argentinian, with a pronounced German accent, was full of nothing but praise: ‘The Swiss give me flexible 24 hour banking and are happy to take deposits in the form of gold teeth.’