The Truth about Goats
The terror levels in the Middle East were significantly reduced today, when Intelligence agencies revealed that large swathes of Syria and Iraq had been conquered by just one disgruntled computer graduate. In the same way Hitler single-handedly invaded France, ‘Jihadi John’ is responsible for all atrocities within a 5,000 mile radius; including beheadings, the narrative structure of Fifty Shades of Grey and the collapse of English Cricket’s one day form.
Rather than a complex geo-political disaster with multiple facets, the British public were relieved to discover that the whole situation could have been avoided by having tougher GCSEs. They were equally grateful that ‘Mohammed Emwazi’ is pronounced as ‘John’ rather than something ’…a bit polysyllabic or foreign sounding’.
One journalist refuted the claims that they were oversimplifying the situation: ‘The radicalism of Islam and the imperialism of the West can all be explained away by using the word John a lot. Also from certain angles this John looks like three teenage girls from Bethnal Green – he’s a master of disguise’.
A counter-terrorist expert remarked: ‘If we can agree that all the mass killings and abductions were committed by one guy, then the War on Terror becomes a lot more straightforward. Computer students play too many computer games. Computer games are violent, ergo Call of Duty caused 2,000 years of racial tension in the Persian Empire’.