The Truth about Goats
In front of an audience of millions, a frail 56 year old woman collapsed onto a nubile dancer – impaling him on a pair of spiked breasts. While the O2 crowd were shocked to see the young dancer bleed to death, the elderly Madonna Louise Ciccone survived the incident thanks the elasticity of a body made solely from silicone, collagen and an inflated ego.
A spokesman for Age Concern said: ‘Society needs to take better care of the elderly. Nobody wants to see quinquagenarian dry-humping a Zimmer frame or in a confused state kissing Britney Spears. We need to give people dignity in their old age; and that may mean putting them in a care home, removing their bondage gear and doing more choreography involving mobility scooters’.
Having taken a ‘tumble’, Madonna admitted that in her excitement at meeting Labyrinth at the Brits Awards, she had forgotten her own labyrinthitis. Descending on a diamond encrusted stannah stair lift, Madonna put on a brave face – which involved a nip, a tuck and few injections. She reassured fans that she would not let the incident change her lifestyle, but would not be opening the front door to strangers any time soon.
An NHS official explained: ‘If you fall, it’s important to keep calm, readjust your basque and check that your nipple rings are in place. Elderly pop stars are just as vulnerable to the ravages of old age as anyone else; Cher has debilitating nasal hair, the Rolling Stones can’t remember the 60’s and Cliff Richard stores his back catalogue in a colostomy bag’.