The Truth about Goats
Surprisingly, even after a thousand years of bloody crusades, the Papacy looks keen to get all ‘old school’ in spreading love throughout Iraq and Syria. A spokesman for Archbishop Silvano Tomasi, the Vatican’s envoy to the UN, explained how the Church was completely opposed to forced conversions, rapes and pillaging: ‘unless it was done by a Knight’.
In the Middle Ages Pope Urban II promised forgiveness of all sins to whosoever went to war, or the ‘Tony Blair brand of Catholicism’ as it is known. One historian explained: ‘One particularly inept crusade, in 1212, involved sending thousands of children to the frontline; only to be sold into slavery. Ironically, given IS’ predilection for school girls, this may be playing into the terrorists hands’.
The Church is not helped by the fact that their previous moralistic justification for attacking the Middle East has masked elaborate land grabs; or the ‘George W. Bush Foreign Policy’ as it is known. A spokesman for the UN said: ‘I’m not saying military intervention isn’t required. I’m just not sure we should be taking endorsements from the Pope. Would you take advice from John Paul II about children’s charities after he knighted Jimmy Saville?’
Playing a football tournament in the Middle East is apparently inhumane, but there is ‘no time like the present’ when it comes to invading. One priest explained: ‘The Catechism of the Catholic Church says every human life is sacred, but it’s more of a guideline than rule when it comes to northern Iraq. We want to go back to what we do best – inquisitions, selling indulgences and chasing choir boys’.