The Truth about Goats
Officers have issued another request for any information pertaining to the whereabouts of the UK’s 2015 General Election. Meanwhile police have been dredging canals for anything that could be construed as a policy; but have only found one shopping trolley, the Lib Dems’ idea for proportional representation and a photo of Neil Kinnock ‘falling in the sea’.
Officers confirmed that the most recent issue, that the electorate remotely cared about, was last seen in the Westminster area in 1979. One voter complained: ‘We’ve got politicians covering up child abuse scandals, nuclear threats in Ukraine and an unprecedented wealth gap AND YET I’m supposed to give a sh@t about Grant Shapps having two paper rounds!?!’
A police spokeswoman put out an appeal: ‘All puns aside, our use of search dogs have been scaled back until we have new leads. Please contact us if you can help our inquiries. Meantime we encourage the public to focus on the insignificance of whether David Cameron likes TV debates, Ed Miliband likes Alex Salmond or if Marmite likes Nigel Farage’.
Under Operation Apathy the force is re-examining missing policies from the last two decades; including the much derided ‘making people’s lives better’ manifesto pledge of the Monster Raving Looney Party. While body parts have recently be discovered – the Tory’s heart, Labour’s soul and the Lib Dems’ balls – DNA tests have proved that none of these are linked to our current batch of politicians.