The Truth about Goats
In an attempt to manage public expectation, the Prime Minister has said he will not be swayed into staying in office, regardless of any mass displays of affection. Meanwhile, nonplussed voters assured Mr. Cameron that no such displays had been planned; unless he meant the voodoo doll, abusive graffiti or the barrels of gunpowder stored under the House of Commons.
A spokesman for No.10 said: ‘Well, of course, that’s just what the public would say. You can’t tell someone in advance that you are planning a surprise party for them. However, the Prime Minister is confident of the love they have for him’. To this end, he confirmed that Mr. Cameron has had his coiffure ‘touched up’, ironed his best suit and told Sam ‘not to wait up’ on Election night.
Some political analysts have questioned the hubris of someone ruling out an honour before it is offered. One commentator said: ‘It’s like Adam Sandler turning down an Oscar for Titus Andronicus. Neeeeeever, gonna happen’. Subsequently the Prime Minister has also ruled out kissing Angelina Jolie, cheering for a fox or shaking hands with a working class person.
Inspired by Mr. Cameron, other party leaders have also made promises about fictitious future events. Nick Clegg has dismissed trust in the Lib Dems. Mr. Farage has discounted good will to all men. While Ed Miliband has guaranteed he will never look stupid on camera again, by adopting a radical ‘bag on head’ policy. Meanwhile, voters can still send gifts and signs of adoration for the Prime Minister, FREEPOST, as he ‘can never have enough bricks’.