The Truth about Goats
In becoming the world’s third-largest food company, Heinz/Kraft have set their goal on developing ‘an unsightly but delicious blend of tomato and processed cheese’. Kraft shares have soared by more than 35% with the announcement that their gooey hybrid will, by the end of the decade, be decorating the top of all toddler’s meals.
Investors say that the main inspiration has been watching a generation of fussy eaters stir and masticate their meals into an horrendous gloop. In turn, Kraft shareholders will receive a special cash dividend of $10bn and the secret to getting: ‘…the residue out of squeezy bottles’. It also plans to mix their Maxwell House coffee with Heinz Baked Beans, to create a product that ‘wakes you up with a fart’.
Not all food fans welcomed the merger, with many concerned of cheap US copies with inferior ingredients– the culinary equivalent of watching David Tennant in ‘Gracepoint’. In 2010, Kraft took over chocolate maker Cadbury and controversially replaced its milk chocolate content with the economical, more readily available, ‘mud option’. Earlier this month, the firm were also forced to recall 6.5 million boxes of macaroni and cheese after reports of finding metal fragments in some containers: ‘…had raised the nutritional value too high’.
A spokesman for Alex Behring, chairman of Heinz, said: ‘Consumers need not be afraid of our mix of foods. Cheese and tomato are natural bed fellows. Like Labour and the SNP or James Corden and tumbleweed. This new product is not too dissimilar to a Boris Johnson press conference. One is a gelatinous, pink mess trying to distract you from issues with your Greens. And the other is a condiment’.