The Truth about Goats
In what he describes as a ‘pension revolution’, the Chancellor has agreed to invest the nation’s pension schemes on Nevada’s craps tables. By simply cashing out their savings now, those approaching retirement can boost the economy while experiencing the adrenaline of holding twelve in Blackjack.
George Osborne was quick to reassure pensioners that frivolously spending their pension now, would not in any way leave them short in later a years. A spokesman confirmed: ‘We’ve been criminally underfunding the NHS for decades, so there’s very little chance that you’ll live to get the benefits of a full pension. In fact, if you like those long odds, can I recommend a game of Baccarat supervised by the Mafia’.
Confused pensioners will be personally shepherded onto cruise liners by Mr. Osborne, with promises of a ‘trip of a lifetime’ provided that lifetime does not exceed the agreed two year limit. A member of a Tory think-tank for fiscal studies said: ‘This is quantitative easing through the controlled use of slot machines. The Chancellor’s stimulus package, means that the elderly no longer need to rely on a fixed, regular income provided they can win big on the roulette table’.
The spokesman for Mr. Osborne announced: ‘Pensioners will have the opportunity to cash out and see David Copperfield fly. What other financial scheme offers one week in Sin City and your remaining years in poverty? Concerns about winter fuel allowance are not as nearly as exciting as mastering Caribbean stud poker while suffering from the early onset of alzheimers’.