The Truth about Goats
With summer fast approaching, hard-working parents are looking for a family-friendly budget vacation. Well, look no further. Thanks to the nurturing powers of the school system, you can entrust a collection of sleep-deprived, demoralized teachers to raise your child at least as effectively as any pack of wolves, Jesuits or sinister Aunts from a Roald Dahl story.
Fortunately, with the annual announcement of half a million school places, successful parents will now be in a position to absolve themselves from all responsibility; while letting teachers take all the flak for how obnoxious their child turns out to be. One mother commented: ‘Having done the hard bit of getting my son into the best local school, my work is finished. I fully intend to take a well-earned break. I’ll be dropping little Sebastian off at 8:45 A.M. and I’ll be back sometime around the year 2028’.
Obviously some parents will not get their first-choice school and will be left with onerous task of interacting with their ‘little darling’ for a while longer. One unlucky father complained: ‘I did not have children, so I would have to raise them. Over five years with no breaks? It’s like a living through a Soprano’s box set, with the same gratuitous violence and swearing but where the cast are in nappies for the first two seasons’.
Fortunately, the UK’s schooling system can provide round the clock supervision for your children while you slip into a decade-long stupor of alcoholism, apathy and smugness. At a fraction of the price you would pay your average baby sitter, you can expect teachers to deal with all those niggardly problems such as teenage angst, teenage pregnancy and teenage running-off-to-Syria-to-become-a-terrorist.