The Truth about Goats
Kingfisher, parent company of B&Q and the ironically titled ‘Screwfix’, has announced it plans to phase out some of its least ‘martially fractious’ stores. Executives admitted that certain regional outlets had a poor turnover in splitting up couples; in comparison to city sites, that could wreck ‘over twenty marriages an hour (mph)’.
B&Q’s brand has long been synonymous with taking perfectly loving partners and transforming them, in the middle of the wall-paper aisle, into ‘snarling beasts’. The ‘Do-It-Yourself’ ethos, empowers customers to destroy their own relationships, without recourse to hiring a professional decorator. With extended weekend hours, most married couples have preferred the cheap and efficient way B&Q can make them single again.
The store closures will mean that many couples will be forced to wander the streets in search of contentious issues to argue over. One marriage counsellor warned: ‘B&Q offered a unique combination of disharmony – creative differences, dwindling resources and a confusing layout. The closest alternative to that, is squabbling over BBC News’ new online look. And it’s just not the same’.
Sociologists point to the fact that B&Q were at the forefront of relationship discord, by offering same-sex arguments. One expert commented: ‘It’s not just the impact on adults. Where are toddlers going to be able roam free, screaming, amid an environment of lethal weaponry? It’s not as if we can all move to Syria.’