The Truth about Goats
The former Manchester United enforcer, has entered a plea of ‘not guilty’ to threatening behaviour ‘just in areas of tarmac’. The hearing at Trafford Magistrates’ Court, saw graphic photographs of the broken remains of Alf-Inge Håland entered as circumstantial evidence that Mr. Keane had ‘rage to spare’.
A lawyer for the rapacious TV pundit, also presented witness testimony from Adrian Chiles that Mr. Keane had caused him to lose all bladder-control during one particularly tense half-time chat. His Counsel concluded: ‘To suggest my client is prone to momentary lapses of bellicose behaviour is ridiculous. As anyone, who knows Roy, will attest – he is in a perpetual state of hate. He’s even been known to punch people in his sleep’.
Police had initially responded to a report of a man acting aggressively ‘towards another man’, but when they discovered the altercation involved Mr. Keane they summoned the Metropolitan Police’s dangerous dog unit. Once tasered and muzzled, the subdued Republic of Ireland assistant manager was led away; leaving his victim to be treated for shock, rabies and stud-marks on the back of his shins.
Previously the 43-year-old had left his role as Aston Villa assistant boss to focus on more calming things, such as ‘growling’ and ‘staring down sharks’. Unfortunately Mr. Keane then quit an anger-management rehabilitation centre; blaming Mick McCarthy, Catcher in the Rye and the lack of raw meat.