The Truth about Goats
While the National Crime Agency (NCA) has heralded the North Sea seizure as the UK’s biggest, most of the electorate will now have to face polling day without the cushioning effect of five ounces of ‘booger sugar’. This dip is cocaine supply will also have an adverse impact on the Media industry, with at 30% reduction in TV programmes but 50% improvement in quality.
Many voters have admitted that backing a Miliband or a Cameron can only really be done under the influence of Class A nose candy. In fact, most manifesto pledges only make sense when seen through the haze of serious hallucinogens. As one medical experts attested: ‘Crack cocaine is an intense, short acting drug, very much like a Tory economic promise’.
Various day to day activities such as parenting, marriage and work based activity, will now be rendered much more difficult without ‘blow interludes’. Use of cocaine in the UK is the highest in Europe and is the second most used drug, after ‘stupor-indorsing’ episodes of ‘My Family’. The loss of £500m of ‘Charlie’, will mean that some resort to other illicit highs – such as employing Gary Barlow’s accountant.
For a long time now, Election booths have been the perfect location for ‘a quick snort’ with a rolled up ballot paper. One voter complained: ‘I need the unfounded confidence that coke gives me, in order to vote for politicians who are clearly out of their depth. In 2010 a lot of us were speed-balling (combining heroin and cocaine) to simultaneously stimulate and depress us. How else can you explain ending up with a Coalition?’