The Truth about Goats
Rather than marking their ballot with an ‘X’, most voters will be opting this year for some sort of scribbled profanity or a more traditional ‘cock and balls’. Polls are now predicting the largest gain will not be made by the Conservatives or Labour Party but by the ‘abstract notion of melancholy’.
Most people will awake on May 11th faced with worst case of last night regrets. One pollster suggested: ‘We anticipate a big swing from hubris to ennui; with many constituencies falling into a listless dissatisfaction leading to inevitable self-harming. Or maybe UKIP. It’s pretty much the same thing’.
Even the notorious election abstainer, Russell Brand, is encouraging people to vote in his own sardonic manner. One fan commented: ‘Thanks to Mr. Brand I’ll be casting my vote mainly as a joke. I’m just not sure who the joke is on?’ For many, the obvious choice in an ironic election is to vote for an ironic candidate, like Boris Johnson. Although some fear that Johnson may himself be an elaborate double bluff and is genuinely that incompetent.
Initial excitement leading to inevitable disappointment is normally associated with package holidays, TV scheduling and sex with One Direction. In this case, the electorate is fully prepared for the triumph of mediocrity that the General Election will produce. One voter said: ‘The gloom is fairly unrelenting now. I’m despondent. I feel sick to my stomach. I can barely get out of bed…It’s almost like the Coalition never left’.