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Tory Majority leaves Newcastle Utd without a new manager


Much to the frustration of voters and Alan Shearer, the General Election has failed to resolve the problems of the ailing Premiership club. No one Political Party wants to take on the sole responsibility, or ‘poisoned chalice’, that is managing Newcastle; with the Derby County boss (Steve McClaren) already ruling himself out of leading the Lib Dems.

I can't bear to watch anymore

I can’t bear to watch anymore

With a slim Conservative majority, it looks like Geordie fans will be resigned to another season of mediocre football. This is despite club captain, Fabricio Coloccini, writing an open letter to fans urging them vote for the SNP – ‘because Newcastle would have a better chance of winning in a Scottish league’. Having lost their lost eight games the ‘Magpies’, just like the British economy, are on their worst run since 1977.

While interim manager John Carver has lost the confidence of his players and most sentient mammals, he is still perceived as more reliable than Ed Miliband. Promised signings from Mr. Miliband of a ‘midfield rock, disappointingly turned out to be a ‘stone tablet’ carved with the offside rule. Equally so, David Cameron has also done little to endear himself to the Newcastle faithful by declaring himself a lifelong fan of ‘Sunderbrough Utd’.

As the House of Commons predictably descends into farce, it was hoped that some good could come of the Election – if only to have Mike Ashley deported. However, even extremist parties like UKIP have felt that association with Newcastle FC would undermine their credibility; although a spokesman said: ‘We do admire Newcastle’s commitment to never getting into Europe in the first place’.

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