The Truth about Goats
In a shocking waste of resources, figures released today suggest that £103bn of online shopping has fuelled a boom in transit sales. Rather than use virtual means to buy and sell goods, many entrepreneurs are relying on vans to transport their messages and have even resorted to using carrier pigeons to send invoices.
One business woman explained: ‘It’s just more reliable to send things via van. Too often you get caught up in junk mail filters. At least with a van you can be sure that message gets there –along with a sweaty guy wearing tracksuit bottoms’. In fact, many advanced digital signals still rely on a more basic delivery mechanisms; with ferrets still being the preferred method of file transfer.
Unbeknown to most phone users, text messages are not sent by satellite but are generated by trained ants crawling over your mobile screen. Likewise ‘cashless’ sales simply involve a St. Bernard carrying a money-box a few steps behind the oblivious credit card user. Today, most consumers’ broadband coverage will be limited to the availability of maritime flag semaphores.
Environmentalists have become increasingly concerned by the carbon foot print left by Britain’s 4.4m vans or by us still using smoke signals to relay information. One online shopper complained: ‘When I order something online, I expect the whole transaction to be virtual. What I didn’t expect was a Ford transit to pull up, driven by a Nigerian Prince offering to enlarge my penis.’