Flibbertigibbet News

The Truth about Goats

Gove to academize Prisons

David Cameron’s first instruction to Michael Gove, his most significant appointment of his new Cabinet, is to unleash George Eliot’s ‘Middlemarch’ upon unsuspecting prison inmates. Thanks to Mr. Gove’s previous efforts as Education Secretary, it has long been acknowledged that the most punitive environment is a state school; and it is that brand of curriculum misery he wishes to bring to the UK’s prisons.

An apple a day ... for 20 years, with time off for good behaviour

An apple a day … for 20 years, with time off for good behaviour

Prisons will be given an Academy status allowing them to be run by private companies, with no oversight and a ‘strict adherence to wearing 1940’s school uniforms’. A Justice spokeswoman said:  ‘We need sentences with traditional summative punishments, rather than a modular approach. We will return to linear justice; where inmates will spend years doing nothing, culminating in one week to memorize Latin vocab.’

Parents of inmates will now have to compete against other families in the same catchment area to get their reprobate offspring into their ‘first choice’ prison. By injecting a degree of competition into the Prison service the Conservatives hope to introduce value-added league tables, ensuring all minor criminals leave prison ‘hardened thugs’.

Less academic activities like woodwork will be replaced by traditional core subjects, the spokeswoman explained: ‘Rather than fashion a shiv out of door handle, prisoners will taught about medieval torture devices’. Speaking at one ‘failing’ prison, one guard commented: ‘We’d been previously criticized for allowing radicalism to fester among the prisoners. But I guess if we are becoming an Academy, then Mr. Gove will be turning a blind eye to it? Admittedly, he has promised to put a Bible in every cell, which will also help deal with the toilet paper shortage’.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


This entry was posted on May 18, 2015 by in UK Crime and tagged , , , , .

Reformation (play script)

Prize Winners

Our readers described Flibbertigibbet News as ..."only slightly less accurate than the Daily Mail"(Dizzychick84) ..."clearly under-appreciated" (Sean Smithson)..."Half man, half goat. All Comedy"(JizzOSmith)..."the best reason for smirking at work" (DavidHollands) and ..."clearly an elaborate internet phishing scam!"(XangChek12)

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive FREE notifications of new posts by email.

Join 570 other followers

Blog Stats

  • 37,690 fumbles

Follow Wrenfoe on Twitter


Award Winning

Reader Review

"It takes a sick and yet highly evolved mind to fully grasp the sophistication of your humor. I tried to explain this to my wife, who thought I was having convulsions as I lay on the floor laughing." (Mike Lince)

Flib Zealots

Flibbertigibbet Annual 2014

Flibbertigibbet Annual 2013

Flibbertigibbet Annual 2015

Flibbertigibbet Annual 2016

Flibbertigibbet Annual 2017

%d bloggers like this: