The Truth about Goats
David Cameron’s first instruction to Michael Gove, his most significant appointment of his new Cabinet, is to unleash George Eliot’s ‘Middlemarch’ upon unsuspecting prison inmates. Thanks to Mr. Gove’s previous efforts as Education Secretary, it has long been acknowledged that the most punitive environment is a state school; and it is that brand of curriculum misery he wishes to bring to the UK’s prisons.
Prisons will be given an Academy status allowing them to be run by private companies, with no oversight and a ‘strict adherence to wearing 1940’s school uniforms’. A Justice spokeswoman said: ‘We need sentences with traditional summative punishments, rather than a modular approach. We will return to linear justice; where inmates will spend years doing nothing, culminating in one week to memorize Latin vocab.’
Parents of inmates will now have to compete against other families in the same catchment area to get their reprobate offspring into their ‘first choice’ prison. By injecting a degree of competition into the Prison service the Conservatives hope to introduce value-added league tables, ensuring all minor criminals leave prison ‘hardened thugs’.
Less academic activities like woodwork will be replaced by traditional core subjects, the spokeswoman explained: ‘Rather than fashion a shiv out of door handle, prisoners will taught about medieval torture devices’. Speaking at one ‘failing’ prison, one guard commented: ‘We’d been previously criticized for allowing radicalism to fester among the prisoners. But I guess if we are becoming an Academy, then Mr. Gove will be turning a blind eye to it? Admittedly, he has promised to put a Bible in every cell, which will also help deal with the toilet paper shortage’.