The Truth about Goats
In what is seen as a crackdown on diminutive talent, the 2015 Film Festival has insisted that all women wear heels on the red carpet and that pint-sized men ‘must bring their own pogo stick’. Commentators agree that gone is the Golden Era of Hollywood, when Mickey Rooney could demand to be placed on plinth and his co-stars were forced to saw their own legs off ‘at the knee’.
There is evidence many film scripts have been doctored to accommodate miniature casts; Ewoks were once Wookies, ‘The Hobbit’ originally featured the Jolly Green Giant and ‘Little Women’ was about an all-female basketball team. Responding to public pressure, Cannes has attempted to remove undersized actors with oversized egos; focusing on underrated but vertically-blessed performers such as David Prowse, King Kong and ‘that woman who holds the torch for Columbia Pictures’.
Cannes insisted that it was addressing gender imbalance and the insidious domination of movies by ‘the little people’. A festival spokesman explained: ‘It’s not just the women we are targeting. Tom Cruise is 3ft 4inches, Daniel Radcliffe has to wear stilts and Martin Freeman is technically a micropig’.
Meanwhile women who wish to wear comfortable flat shoes will have to pass a height requirement test, which involves high-fiving a leaping Nicole Kidman. A security guard at Cannes confirmed: ‘We spotted Elijah Wood trying to get in on Jonah Hill’s shoulders. We also turned Lindsay Lohan away. She’s 5ft 5, so technically she’s tall enough. She’s just a bit sh@t’.