The Truth about Goats
Scientist have at last discovered an alternative to watching ‘Ninja Warrior UK’, which will provide the same medicinal relief from our ‘mind-numbing existence’. Traditional home remedies for ennui have focused on cable TV and a range of bar snacks, but now apathetic citizens can create morphine using the same kits used to make beer or provide blood transplants for Keith Richards.
Health Officials have warned about the dangers of a potentially fatal dose, but admit that it is ‘no worse’ than series nine of ‘Britain’s Got Talent’. In fact, morphine is a far more reliable form of pain relief than watching back to back episodes of ‘Come Dine With Me’. Side effects may include slow breathing and severe drowsiness, but will not induce the catatonia of ‘The National Lottery Draw’.
One researcher explained: ‘Morphine may be habit-forming. But people will get addicted to any kind of sh@t – how else do you explain ‘You’ve been Framed’? As analgesics go, morphine is usually available in an easy to swallow tablet form. Whereas, you have to stick ‘Big Brother’ right up your arse for it to work’.
The team at the University of California, revealed that they learnt how to turn sugar to opiates by watching Katy Perry videos. By borrowing DNA from plants and Jake Livermore’s urine samples, scientists have distilled all the chemical ingredients for a potent drug. However, they have said that withdrawal could lead to frequent liquid diarrhea or ‘Splash!’ as it is known.