The Truth about Goats
The Department for Education has announced funding to instil school children with the core values of rugby; which include ‘lighting your own farts’, dispensing concussion and ‘downing’ dubious hangover remedies. Speaking to the press, while wearing a jock strap as a helmet, Nicky Morgan promised ‘real social justice’ and tea-bagging by an International Prop Forward.
The Education Secretary insisted that rugby coaches, rather than teachers, could deliver the ethos of discipline and respect; coupled with the odd eye-gouge. A spokesman explained: ‘In the year we host the World Cup, we need role models children can look up to – who can illegally switch match balls. Or better still, someone who can toss a dwarf, take enough cocaine to fell an elephant or do the biggest jobby in a pint glass’.
One rugby coach endorsed the scheme: ‘We’ll be taking disaffected youngsters and turning them into 17 stones of muscled, psychotic rage. Yes, we could spend £500,000 on books – but whoever leant any ethics from books? You only have to look at the positive impact playing rugby has had on the morals of those working in the banking sector’.
Mrs Morgan said teachers had failed to flash their genitals at their students, causing academic standards to slip. Her spokesman said: ‘Rugby can build grit. The same grit that will eventually lead to coronary heart disease. This scheme will reach more than 17,000 pupils and ultimately create 34,000 cauliflower ears’.