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Malaysia claims ‘ball-sack’ caused earthquake


Four nudists are to appear in a Sabah State Court, accused of using ‘unfettered dangly bits’ and inciting mountain spirits into causing a deadly quake. Posing nude atop of Mount Kinabalu, these Westerners are said to have unleashed primal forces normally associated with an atomic bomb or a disapproving spinster Aunt.

Caused by an exposed ankle

Caused by an exposed ankle

Previously scientists believed that earthquakes were generated by the rupture of geological faults, but new Malaysian evidence suggests that the real cause is invisible beings ‘with a phobia about exposed nipples’. A Malaysian Minister explained that the mountain in question was sacred and that the demi-gods that inhabited it were: ‘notorious fuddy-duddies, who made Mary Whitehouse look like Russell Brand’.

While the prissy nature of divinity may be inadmissible in most courts, there is clear proof that other natural disasters are caused by God/s trying to ‘slut shame’ us. It is well documented that the UK’s Great Storm of 1703 was a direct result of Queen Anne running naked through Tottenham Court Road, challenging the Almighty to: ‘…make a sofa out of my arse!’

One geologist explained: ‘What you might think are seismic rumblings caused by moving plate boundaries, are actually the sound of huge imaginary beings tutting in a prudish manner. We already know that breast feeding in public causes tidal waves, we get cyclones when you litter and volcanos explode the moment you use a noisy car stereo’.

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This entry was posted on June 17, 2015 by in International Environmental and tagged , , , , , .

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