The Truth about Goats
George Osborne has taken the surprise step of selling the Government’s 80% share in Britain’s biggest corporate loss-making machine. The Royal Bank of Scotland has been listed as a ‘job lot’ of toxic debt in ‘fetching tartan’, with a returns policy that ‘guarantees’ future multi-billion pound bailouts.
Some economists have suggested the initial bid price of ‘£0.99’ is a trifle low, but most agree that the £67 buyout clause is far too optimistic. One expert commented: ‘Using the phrase ‘of gay interest’ is a rather desperate move by Mr. Osborne. And ‘pick up only’ does assume there is a buyer willing to travel to Scotland. And anyone expecting an ethical bank, needs to realise this is a fake brand.’
The auction closes in 10 days, but there are already three ‘watchers’ all of whom have been drawn to RBS’s investment in fossil fuels, animal testing and general skulduggery. While he will accept PayPal, Mr. Osborne has said he would prefer cash in hand. Following his motto ‘Don’t bin it, ‘bay it’, the Chancellor has also listed other redundant items; such as ‘Coalition promises’, ‘the hopes of EU reform’ and one ‘barely used’ conscience.
Described as ‘like new’, it is clear from the fuzzy photograph that the bank is covered in allegations of Illegal trading, market fixing and kebab stains. Likewise Mr. Osborne’s eBay profile is filled with negative feedback, based on a series of mis-sold election promises. One user posted: ‘NHS funding arrived late and not as described. Buyer beware.’