The Truth about Goats
The BBC has announced that Mr. Evans will be the latest recipient of TV’s ‘carte blanche’ – the freedom to offend with impunity. At an unveiling ceremony the TV and radio personality was handed an oversized blank cheque, a box-set of ‘Love thy neighbour’ and the keys to Richard Hammond.
Following in the proud tradition of Jeremy Clarkson, Evans has agreed to respect ‘Top Gears’ standards in misogyny, mullets and ill-fitting jeans. Protected by a UN charter, he will be entitled to make a certain annual quota of slurs provided they are done in an ‘ironic voice, with winks to the camera’. An honour that has only been previously held by Prince Phillip, Robert Mugabe and all P.E. teachers.
On his Radio 2 breakfast show Mr. Evans has been obliged to be affable and polite, but now he can properly descend through Dante’s Media Circles of Hell. His agent said: ‘Chris is really looking forward to some creative freedom. He’s already purchased a minstrel outfit, Freddie Starr’s Nazi regalia and Katie Hopkin’s Twitter feed. They say the ninth circle is an icy lake, but I say its watching re-runs on Dave.’
Up until now Mr. Evans has been merely seen as an unruly egotist but he now hopes to branch out into areas that would make Voldemort blush. A production team assistant revealed: ‘Top Gear is going to have new sections; including ‘Racial Racing’, ‘Sayings from a Reasonably Educated Bigot’ and ‘Dwarf Tossing’. That last one has nothing to do with cars, but we do like to keep our audience entertained. Now you’ll have to excuse me – it’s my time to get punched’.