The Truth about Goats
Intelligence officials have closed down sections of the UK’s capital, in order to stage a simulation of the terror conditions that will occur in the wake of the Wimbledon Champion ‘choking in the quarter finals’. The exercise involves 1,000 police officers, all of whom have been instructed to ‘taser on sight’ anyone seen weeping into a punnet of strawberries.
Currently Britain is on a heightened state of alert, should Murray stumble, with all prep-schools on suicide watch. This staged event comes only days after England’s men crashed out of the Euro U-21 championship, which resulted in the disturbing sight of Gareth Southgate being ‘mildly nonplussed’. A spokesman for the Metropolitan Police tried to allay fears: ‘Should Wimbledon descend into chaos, at least none of the crowd have actual meaningful day jobs. Which is why they can be swilling champagne on a week day’.
Codenamed ‘It’s just for toffs’, members of the Fire Brigade will cut out any of the crowd trapped by their tiny wooden seats. A Home Office spokesman said: ‘I want to reassure the public and any frightened ball boys, that TV channels will show blanket coverage of Tim Henman’s career. The public need to understand that defeat is just normal. We have planned for every conceivable type of incident – including Cliff Richard’.
The public have been told to be extra vigilant on the Underground and to report anyone wearing suspicious all-white clothing, a Saltire on their face or ‘I love Andy’ in marker-pen on their chest. Likewise, Ambulance services will be on hand to treat those injured by shrapnel from an exploding Judy Murray.