The Truth about Goats
Mr. Paul Willis, of Chelmsford, has taken the unusual step of opting out his financial responsibilities while at the same time demanding that his neighbours continue to send him food parcels and ‘mow his lawn’. Inspired by the Greek people, this 66 year old hairdresser, took a detailed poll of all those living at his address (including the cat) and received a unanimous mandate to stop paying his mortgage, tipping waiters or ‘funding future Christmas presents’.
Speaking to the press, Mr. Willis explained: ‘I have taken a democratic decision to ignore my existing debts and I would ask my creditors to respect that. To begin with I was a little unsure, but choosing not pay has been a great weight off my shoulders. And to those I owe money to I would say, please keep putting things on my tab, I’ll settle up eventually – honest’.
On Thursday morning, Mr. Willis begun the process of renegotiating his debt by driving off his local forecourt without paying for his petrol and filtered coffee. Subsequently he has maintained his lifestyle by shoplifting, foraging for berries and piggybacking everyone’s Wi-Fi. When confronted by bailiffs Mr. Willis threatened to opt out of the pound and adopt ‘stuff found under the sink’ as his new currency – reducing his debt to just fifty eight ‘used’ Tesco carrier bags.
Mr. Willis is still confident he can transform his financial situation with his homemade goat’s cheese, a patio that is listed as UNESCO World Heritage Site and by selling fridge magnets depicting the ‘Acropolis’ – his local kebab shop. Neighbours of Mr. Willis have tried to be understanding but have grown frustrated by him running a hose from their garden tap. Mr. Willis commented: ‘If they didn’t want me syphoning off water, they shouldn’t have loaned me the sprinkler in the first place. When I moved into the street, they knew I couldn’t afford to keep up with my payments – particularly as I’d retired at 50’.