The Truth about Goats
Despite complaints from local residents about noise levels, organisers of ‘Swingfields’ have insisted that their blaring disco music was better than the sound of ‘constant squelching’. In fact, the weekend event at the Forest of Dean has already gained notoriety for scaring woodland animals with the sights of bondage, fetish equipment and one ‘abused looking goat’.
Event organisers have gone to great lengths to protect innocent bystanders from a cacophony of copulation. One regular attendee said: ‘Do you know the decibels caused by a hundred condoms being twanged simultaneously? Thousands of flicked nipples can be deafening. And the collective sound of dozens of faked orgasms is ear-splitting – but convincing.’
‘Swingfields’ has also experimented in erecting wooden fencing to hide views of wooden erections. Interestingly, revellers at this year’s Glastonbury were forced to use the sound of ‘bad-sex’ to drown out Kanye West; who ironically uses the sound of his ‘bad-music’ to drown out any sense of self- doubt he might have.
One disturbed villager commented: ‘I object strongly to the use of loud music – it disrupts the sounds of nature. And by that, I mean the sound of leather on buttock, clamp on testicle and lube on chaffed privates’. Organisers have promised to use more natural alternatives to mask next year’s event; substituting the sound of thousands people being shafted, with the sound of ‘the Greek economy collapsing’.