The Truth about Goats
The worlds of athletics and music have been thrown into confusion with the allegation that The Rolling Stones’ guitarist may have used ban substances. Inducted in 2008 into Musicians’ Hall of Fame, suspicions were first raised when Mr. Richard’s clocked 12:57.94 in the 5000 metres, while playing the riff to ‘(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction’.
Mr. Richards has allegedly missed doping tests in the past and has no recollection of ‘most of the sixties’. Previous attempts to take a urine sample from Mr. Richards have proved unsuccessful, as his alcohol content (a rumoured 200 proof) kills off trace elements and 99% of all household germs.
Alberto Salazar, the coach at the heart of the doping scandal, denied assisting musicians to cheat. A spokeswoman for the World Anti-Doping Agency said: ‘Mr. Richards’ musical prowess may not have needed enhancing, but how do explain other talentless one hit wonders; like Right Said Fred, Nena’s 99 Luftballons or Kanye West’s entire back catalogue? Mo Farah has not been implicated as yet but are surprised by his release of a double CD of blues-based rock ’n’ roll’.
Despite his age, 71, the spry Mr. Richards recently became the indoor world record holder for the two mile and the first man to fly unaided from LA to New York. Many have taken this as evidence that Mr. Richards may be on something ‘stronger’ than hay-fever remedy. A spokesman for Mr. Richards refuted the claims: ‘Heroin does not help you win medals for running, it just makes it easier to cope with losing.’