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Mexico offers $3.8m reward for ‘man-eating mole’

Officials at Altiplano jail have instigated a nationwide alert for mutant creature with ‘burrowing ability’, who has inadvertently created a subterranean passageway between their high security shower area and nearby maize field. Such is the humungous size of this beast that a notorious drug lord, Joaquin Guzman, may have been mistaken for a small invertebrate and dragged into the tunnel to become a ‘mole’s breakfast’.

Clearly made by a mole

Clearly made by a mole

Several days have elapsed since Mr. Guzman was last seen and many fear he may have become not just food for worms, but food for ‘the thing that eats the worms’. Several prison officials have already been dismissed for not spotting the fifty-foot high mound of earth just outside the prison perimeter. Given the size of the tunnel, this ‘mole-man’ is estimated to be nine-foot in length and threatens to wreak havoc at local golf courses before becoming Marvel Comics ‘lamest franchise’.

A Police spokesman rejected the theory that Mr. Guzman had simply used his $1bn fortune to bribe prison guards to help him escape: ‘Anyone who has seen the impact radioactive waste on ninja turtles, will accept the possibility of an anthropomorphic mole. We have several methods for tackling this monster – we’ll be keeping an eye out for further grass movement, trying to thwack him over the head with a two tonne shovel and failing that, building the biggest mouse trap you’ve ever seen’.

Offering a reward of 60 million pesos, the Mexican government has warned that the creature may breed. A spokesman for President Pena Nieto said: ‘Our thoughts and prayers go out to Mr. Guzman’s family. It can’t be easy knowing your loved one has been consumed by velvety assassin, with bad eye sight. Mr. Guzman, ironically called El Chapo (Shorty), wouldn’t have stood a chance against those powerful forelimbs. It’s also possible that this creature may have had help – the public should be vigilant for a large rat, a huge badger and toad dressed as a washer woman’.

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This entry was posted on July 23, 2015 by in International Crime and tagged , , , , , .

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