The Truth about Goats
Scientists at the Large Hadron Collider (LHCb) have announced the discovery of one the smallest forms of matter, that of Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras’ savings account. Having already transformed into a financial ‘black hole’, the Greek economy is now comparable in size to George Osborne’s conscience, Donald Trump’s Presidential chance or how much we care about the new series of ‘True Detective’.
The discovery of a sub-atomic credit balance, follows on from experiments into dark matter – or ‘Angela Merkel’ as Athens call it. One LHCb physicist said: ‘Just when we thought things couldn’t get any smaller, we find their federal reserves – one torn drachma, stuffed down the back of a sofa. Our next project is to look for something so minuscule that no one truly believes exists – ‘hope’ for the Greek economy’.
During the 60’s two physicists, Murray Gell Mann and George Zweig, independently proposed the existence of tiny quarks – not to be mistaken for the noise ducklings make. So small are these particles that they cannot be seen by the naked eye; like Tory support for the welfare state. This infinitesimal quality has endeared the Greek banks to fans of the ‘Borrowers’ and allegedly Kate Moss would consider it a filling meal.
A LHCb spokesperson commented: ‘The pentaquark gives us this equation for Greek financial security. IMF x EU = S2. With ‘S’ is equal to a Snowball’s chance in Hell. In Switzerland we hurl particles through a narrow tube with microscopic outcomes, in Greece they squeeze blood from stone with much the same effect’.