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‘Crazy discounts’ blamed for shortage of ‘mental beds’


With up to 60% off and 4 years interest free credit, the ‘insanity’ that is home furnishing flash-sales has led to a lack adult psychiatric health provision. One excitable marketing executive claimed: ‘Our prices are mental. These divan discounts are mental. It’s all mental. Although closing 2,000 beds across England is f@$king retarded.’

The new DFS range

The new DFS range

Currently 92% of wards are treating patients who should be cared for in the community, if it was not for Jeremy Hunt’s cuts to the service. A spokesman for the NHS said: ‘Everything must go! Depression, anxiety disorders and this lovely corner suite with matching footstool. All of it is cut price. But hurry, this sale ends when Mr. Hunt finishes privatizing the sector’.

Although 16% of inpatients were well enough to go home, only 1% admitted to being mentally unbalanced enough to purchase DFS’s stain protection insurance. One Doctor admitted to mixed success: ‘Despite marked-down health care leading to a shortage of beds, there has been a slow take up on our ‘buy one, get one free’ offer for phobias. That said, our coupon deals have gone down very well OCD sufferers’.

Some patients have been put off by adverts declaring: ‘The Conservatives promise universal health care – subject to credit checks’. Consumers should be aware that this bargain-basement NHS is only available for a limited time. This offer ends Sunday or until we run out of nurses, whichever comes first; and, thanks to George Osborne, it does not come with a 10 year guarantee.

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This entry was posted on July 28, 2015 by in UK Health and tagged , , , , , .

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